


Perfect

by cherubits



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, Mental Health Issues, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24337627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherubits/pseuds/cherubits
Summary: Tooru desperately wanted something to be wrong with him. He wanted to have an emotional weakness. He wanted to be vulnerable. He wanted to be sad. But he wasn’t.Everyone great had something bad happen to them, he wanted to be great.He tried to suffer, tried to put himself down.But in the end he was just too perfect-A story that's about having a mental illness but not being aware of it. A story about admitting help when you need it. A story about friendship and love.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! This story does contain some darker themes, so if you are triggered by that I advise you to not read this. This story is not very graphic but read at your own caution. 
> 
> This story was the result of staying up all night reflecting on my own and other people I know, lives, and experiences. This story is based on real people that I know. Most of it is fictional, but lots of its elements are things that have actually happened to people.
> 
> I'm a huge nerd for studying the personalities of people in fiction and in real life, and I have always found Oikawa's personality unique. I've decided to put my own twist on his character, but hopefully still emulate the same vibe that we all know and love. 
> 
> I'm also a huge sucker for friendships and overall coming-of-age cheesy type fics so I made sure there was a happy ending to this!
> 
> Also, when I first started writing this, I originally wanted to turn it into an Oikawa/Iwaizumi story, but then I realized I cannot write romance for the life of me, so I threw that idea in the trash.
> 
> I am definitely not a super-skilled writer, my writing talents generally lean toward writing long reviews of products I like on my favorite subreddits and writing emails saying I am unable to open up the homework the professor has sent out because my computer is TOO DAMN OLD and unable to open the file because it's TOO DAMN BIG for it to handle! But despite my sub-par writing skills, this was fun to write. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Tooru desperately wanted something to be wrong with him. He wanted to have an emotional weakness. He wanted to be vulnerable. He wanted to be sad. But he wasn’t. 

Everybody great had something bad happen to them, Oikawa wanted to be great.

At first he thought it would come with time. At one certain point in his life, travesty would strike and he would go through some shitty experience. It didn’t happen. Then, he tried to inflict it on himself. He would purposefully dig his nails into his skin when in an argument with someone, even if he didn’t feel strongly about it. He would force himself to practice volleyball late into the early morning, even though he knew he didn’t need it and really didn’t want to do it. He would pretend to be devastated when he did something he did wasn’t good. It was all a lie.

He told his friends that he didn’t sleep because of stress. Lie. He was never stressed, he always knew he’d do good. He told his teachers that he never thought what he did was good enough. Lie. He knew everything he did was great, that everything was above standards. He practiced extra, telling everyone he had to get better. Lie. He knew the faults in the volleyball team didn’t lay with him. 

No matter, what trauma he forced upon himself, what struggle he acted out, he was still completely fine. Nothing wrong with him.

He tried so hard to hate himself, tried so hard to compare himself to others, tried to belittle himself. It never worked. Why was he so perfect?

He knew there was nothing wrong with him. He wanted there to be something wrong with him.

-

One night after the last match of the season, Tooru decided that he would try to kill himself. He wouldn’t actually kill himself, he just hoped the attempt would eventually make him suicidal. He wrote a note making sure that it included all the lies he made up about himself. He said he was never good enough, he said he was an anchor weighing other people down, he said he couldn’t live up to the standards. He made sure that the note would encompass the character that he tried so hard to display. 

For his not so suicide attempt, he decided that he would overdose on some sort of barbiturates. He researched the dosage that you need to consume to become unconscious and the amount that was lethal. He planned out how many he was going to take enough to become unconscious and a location to do it that he would easily be found. 

He stole the drugs from the pharmacy from where his cousin worked, saying he was helping his cousin. He spent three days editing and revising his note making sure it was perfect. He held open his eyes for a long period of time to make himself cry on the note, making sure it landed directly on the purposefully shaky handwriting he wrote.

The first day of summer vacation is when he “tried” to kill himself. He had it all perfectly planned out. He consumed the pills in the bathroom of the volleyball gym before practice, eventually, his teammates would go looking for him. It was Issei and Takahiro who discovered Tooru unconscious, note in hand, and pills scattered across the floor.

**Author's Note:**

> You might be confused after reading that. Let me clear some things up. Oikawa believes that to be great you have had to go through some struggle or mishap in your life. Since he wants to be great he tries to make himself go through what someone with mental-disorders would go through by acting them out. He acts to the people around him in such a way where they think he has mental-disorders he doesn’t to make them think he’s great. Not saying that Tooru doesn’t have any mental illness. Tooru is upset that he is perfect and doesn’t have anything wrong with him. This drives him to up his act in desperation to be great. In doing so he unaware drives himself deeper into a pit of his own mental illness. Quite contradicting, I know.
> 
> This probably seems really confusing, but if you have any questions feel free to comment them down below and I’ll do my best to answer them
> 
> I will try my best to update this weekly on Saturdays, but I might have to adjust that depending on how long I’ll procrastinate doing my homework. Goodness, online school, and COVID-19 can kiss my ass goodbye.
> 
> If you liked this, leave a kudos! Also, feel free to offer constructive criticism and advice. I’ll gladly take any help to improve my writing. Thank You!


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